Anonymous said: I've got this assumption about Vicki and Misha and their relationship and I don't even know how I came to assume this, but maybe you can assess this better. I somehow just... THINK that Vicki is the more adventurous partner of both, and that it's actually HER who needs the variation while he is more the one that's cool with giving her that freedom. People always assume otherwise because it fits their "Misha the sex beast" fantasies but I somehow got the impression that that's a misacception. Idk
Wait, I just had an idea where I might’ve derived that perception from: in Vicki’s book (of which I’ve only seen excerpts of on here, by the way), there’s a section where she evaluates the ‘threesomability’ of all star signs. I’m unable to find it right now, but naturally, I looked for her and Misha’s star signs to, uh, get some details. And since I don’t believe in astrology, I guess I figured she based these evaluations on people… And if I remember it right, it fit my assumption quite well.
Well, I’m not going to speculate about their sex lives; I can only tell you what they’ve decided to share with the public. (Also, discussion of this often seems to lead to Vicki-bashing, for some unfathomable reason, and I don’t like that.)
But as I’ve mentioned before, reading “The Threesome Handbook” led me to discover that Vicki is braver than Misha. Because she’s told fans that she’s “shy” and she appears to dislike being on stage and having her picture taken, I thought she might be less confident than him and that he brought out her personality. I seem to have gotten it backwards.
Exhibit A: A quote from Vicki Vantoch in “The Threesome Handbook,” p. 328:
Yale law professor Kenji Yoshino argues we are all pressured to “cover” or to downplay stigmatized traits to blend into the mainstream. We do this in various ways - by hiding hearing aids or changing ethnic-sounding names to commercially viable ones. It’s time for a new era in civil rights, in which we are all encourage to be open and truthful about how we don’t conform to mainstream values.
Misha changed his name from Dmitri Krushnic to Misha Collins, but Vicki kept her original surname, Vantoch. Is it a subtle dig at him? Maybe.
Exhibit B: Vicki never refers to her husband by name or gives any identifying information about him in her book beyond the fact that they went to high school together. The book seems to be written in such a way that it wouldn’t be linked to Misha’s identity publically - so that, for instance, an employer doing a search of his name wouldn’t find the book.
And I think that this was by his request, because the acknowledgment section says this (p. 369):
And, finally, M, my sweet coadventurer in love and life. Even though this book wasn’t his cup of tea, he was supportive from the beginning and was always there when I needed him with encouragement, egg sandwiches, and a brutally-honest critical eye. His patience, humor, openness to change, and super-human ability to love me with crushing me, continues to amaze me. I feel enormously lucky to be sharing this journey with him.
I’ve wondered about that “cup of tea” comment for ages because the book does actually seem like something he’d love, so what did he not like about it? I think he was just not ready to come out of the closet as polyamorous - and that’s fine, that should be his decision. I felt weird linking Misha to the book until Misha mentioned it on Twitter because it felt like an open secret - something that you could find out but wasn’t supposed to be so public. But now that he’s acknowledged it, I feel better about talking about it.
Vicki wrote about poly couples facing discrimination, her own doubts and fears about telling people, and about friends rejecting their triad relationship. She also writes about how coming out and being public can help end discrimination. She wrote (p. 333-4)
From the standpoint of inegrity, I think we all need to own up to our dirty little secrets. I believe that when we are open about our own strange desires or unusual lives, it paves the way for others to do the same. In the past thirty years, gay men and lesbians took a lot of flack to tell the truth about their love lives and their courage opened the door for a mass migration out of the closet. We’re now at a moment in time when unconventional families (even thirty-year triads and gay couples) are losing their children in custody battles because their families don’t conform to mainstream ideas about what a family should be. Given this context, I want to be someone who stands up for my choices even if they’re unpopular, even if I get snickers at cocktail parties.
Now, this all sounds well and good on paper, but when it comes down to actually going public with my own pervy ways, I’m slightly less certain. Do I really want my eighty-year-old Czech father reading about my three-way daisy chain? Even as I write this book, I’m standing on the edge, wondering whether to use my eral name. There are consequences to consider: Do I really want my colleagues in academia to know? Do I want to be forever branded a deviant? Friends may assume I’m trying to lure them into my boudoir. Lecherous creeps may consider me an easy target. When I’m sixty, will I look back and cringe?
But, recently, I’ve begun to see my own slightly unusual romances as a welcome challenge in the world. I’m starting to feel like the price of coming out to friends (at least) has been worth it. It’s been a culling process, in my mind. Those who can’t handle it are welcome to ask questions and those deeply disturbed by it may have to move along. It certainly touches an uncomfortable nerve for many people.
Exhibit C: Misha on Vicki
At Vancouver 2012 convention, Misha said this about Vicki:
When we lived in Chicago, my wife, we were out, she had to pee, we ran into this bar, this corner bar that had all glass windows on all sides and little corner steps that went up. And she went in and was like, “Aahh, can I use your bathroom please? I have to go really bad,” and they said, “No.” And it was the only bar around, so she said, “Okay, fine!” and went outside onto the front steps. And I mean, this was all glass and a crowded bar. And she peed on the steps.
[…] This was a long time ago. We were with some friends, we were like, “Hey, let’s go to a strip club.” So we went to a strip club, and they threw us out because they didn’t like girls in the strip club. […] To get back at them, *laughs* she was standing on the sidewalk - if you cross her, she’s like - she will pee on your front step. We were on the sidewalk, this was on Sunset Boulevard out on the sidewalk, she’s like, “Don’t go in there! I’ll show you them for free!”
Exhibit D: Misha says that he got it from her:
Misha at Vegascon 2014 (thanks to Snowlantern for the transcript):
Misha: We’ve done a lot of weird, creative projects together, and I like working with her because she’s really good at having ideas that normal people don’t have. She doesn’t have a – there’s a part of her brain that is defective, the part of the brain that tells you, “This is too difficult,” or, “This is not feasible,” or something like that. She doesn’t have that.
Fan: I think you two share that. I think you share that.
Misha: Well, I think I have gleaned that from her. I definitely got it from her. Because she, she was this kid who, when she was 16, she made a video about this orphanage in India and then put in on public access television in Washington, D.C., and raised $20,000 and went, at 16, by herself, to an orphanage in India. Worked there for two months. Brought babies back with her. Which was crazy! I cannot believe that somebody would literally give a 16-year-old child babies and say, “Here! Take these back across the Atlantic with you.” It was not good, and she did not know how to take care of a baby. Apparently she was trying to pinch the baby to make it stop crying. So, you know, it’s not a good idea to give a 16-year-old a baby.
Conclusion: Vicki is more Misha than Misha.